SYA 25th

Very moved by this reunion, though in the days following this took
the form of a deep sadness. These people were the repository of so
many memories that I can't share with anyone else, and so little
effort was made, or felt it seemed, on the part of others, to
recapture them. This probably has mostly to do with the fact that
most people have moved on, are preoccupied with their present, and
I'm a little exposed at present (as usual) out of the lack of updraft
to my current life, as I hope for more projects and muscle my way
back in a script I left nearly 2 years ago. It was also, I guess,
that few among them were my close friends, so I guess their need to
talk to me was that much less. Woody also came across not so much as
the principled, if a bit stiff, poetic icon that I remembered him to
be, and more of a fundraiser, which is after all the biggest reason
he would have been attending, the value of memories notwithstanding.
It's weird, but this general sadness I felt toward the group is
probably some ingenious displacement of the sadness I actually feel
toward myself for not having achieved. It's true that I haven't
compromised a lot and have been stubbornly staking my own way, but
that way isn't so far doing much for the world and in fact is largely
hypocritical as I struggle to scrape out a living off the good works
of others. I don't enjoy the esteem of anyone, have no recognition
for having done anything in particular, and in no way enjoy the
pyramidal profits of advancement in a chosen career. What I have
done at least is found love and started a family, without which I
know none of the rest would matter. Still I wish so much to have
connected more. I am aware that this big swoon of nostalgia rests on
something very sentimentalized--my view of the year has enormous
lacunae, the whole crisis of possible paternity (so ridiculous now in
retrospect) that worried me almost to paralysis for a good several
months has no real place in it. Or perhaps it's that second release
of independence that followed that alarm being passed that makes it
even more poignant. For the record, it was at Chuck's home.
Attending were Suzie, Eric, Barry, Giles, Chip & Kristin (now
married), Chris, Nat & Woody.